Lost Night's Sleep

Dear Bum Under My Window at 3:30 am,

Once, you were somebody's little boy. Your mother fed and clothed you, made sure you went to school, and did what she could when you started hearing the voices. But that was many years ago, and now you have decided to use the awning across the street as an acoustically perfect amphitheater to rehearse your rambling monologue, that I have tentatively titled, "Hagum Gagum arag Gagah!"

It's a powerful 20 minute piece, and after hearing three versions of it, I''ll have to say I liked number two the best. Perhaps you have peaked, and are over-working it.

Day 4 — Musings

You get the the idea, it's 13" long, realistic and has a suction-cup base. I fully understand why a person might be drawn to such an item in the shop, but why on God's green earth would one need to tear open the package in the parking lot and throw the box on the ground? Ok, it must have been an emergency, but consider there are children playing nearby. And the photo on the back of the container is life-size and downright frightening.

Day — 4: Exposed! The Secret Formula

From the color lab, deep inside Hollywood Beautification Headquarters, I have smuggled out this photo of a heavily-protected mixing ratio. The subtle color of all-purpose graffiti cover-up paint is now yours!

Day — 4: Hot and Dusty

Hollywood weather today, 88 degrees with humidity well below zero.

While sitting in the shade on our luxurious 10 minute break, my new friend Hector and I were lamenting about the lack of pretty girls on our crew. The only one we thought was calienté was also married to a body builder, and both were there doing community service for a bar fight they were involved in. The family that throws down together, stays together.

So Hector, being a philosopher as well as a drunk driver said, while wistfully gazing at another woman, the somewhat chunky Rita, "Sometimes when you don't have bread, you have to eat tortillas."

The stories are true, and the names have not been changed because the stories just aren't that interesting.

Day 4 - Lunch

Yoshinoya is the worst fast food, bar none. That's all I know about
that.

I make more than our Chinese helpers

Considering that I've found $21.25 in the streets of Hollywood over the course of three days, I am a higher paid worker than those making our plastic home necessities in China.

Workers in Guangzhou province receive $120 a month base salary, plus performance incentives that can gross over 62 cents a day at times! Talk about cushy. Thank god Walmart was able to negotiate a better rate for us, or we could hardly afford dinner at Sizzler.

Day 3 - Spicicles, etc.

This is Victor. I asked permission to use his name and his face; and in a thick Moscow accent he replied, "Use my fucking phone number, I don't care." Victor is a crazy Russian artist, which is a triple redundancy. Notice the device on his left leg. That's an alcohol monitor. It can detect any amount of booze that Victor consumes. It does so by sampling Victor's sweat. He has to wear this thing clamped to his shin for three months—and not drink any alcohol. For a Russian, it's worse than the death penalty. Why is he here? From what I could gather, there was dental surgery gone-awry, DUI, hit-and-run, and resisting arrest.

His teeth were hurting so much that he just had to, "drink and drink and drink." The police came to his house after he got home without knowing how, and when they tried to arrest him, he could not hold up one of his hands because of carpal-tunnel (his day job is graphic design.)

I was not aware that you could buy a popsicle that had chile pepper and salt suspended in it. I was expecting a refreshing melon treat after sweeping the Boulevard, but this thing made me want to eat it faster and faster to quench the fire. In the end, my mouth was kind of sore and I had brain freeze. Good though, and only 85 cents at the corner of Hollywood Boulevard and St. Andrews Place.

Day 3 - Lunch

Me and the crew are going to do a great job today—especially in front of this building. The Luis B. Mayer building is the new home of the Independent Shakespeare Company. Those great folks who bring us Free Shakespeare in Barnsdal Park every summer from June through August. It's the best cheap date in the city, and where the night of The Incident began.